My thoughts and shit bitches

 

Two If By Regret

 

Funny how I can see your soul

Stare right into the truth

Look but never touch

For you are the forbidden fruit.

 

Thoughts swirl and emotions run

Breath swept from my chest

My mind races as your fingers trace

Roadway to a crazy, beautiful mess.

 

Fuzzy boundaries and unspoken rules

Reality keeps the illogical in check

Even still I grow fond

Allure of the unknown, its call becks.

 

Pawns of our affections already set

All is left to do is connect the dots

Neither can deny the fact that

Life is a game with love calling the shots.

Soulfully Dark

 

Something sexy about the stars

Shine and sparkle

What is it about the veil of darkness

That sets a soul free from its bars.

 

Can’t see beyond my fingertips

Dark and comforting

But I feel you gazing into me

I know the shape of your face, your lips.

 

Pitch black night hides me

Imperfections and doubt

Guided to you from deep within

Your love, even a blind man would see.

 

At night there is no noise here

Quiet and serene

But nature is playing our songs

This soundtrack soothes, I have no fear.

Hush Little Baby

Hush, goodnight lil’ one

There’s nothing to be scared of

I’ll be right here, much love.

 

I can’t see anything

I hate the night

Please someone turn on the light.

 

Honey why are you shaking?

I told you don’t be scared baby

Are you having a bad dream, maybe?

 

Not even my worst dreams

Could ever be this bad

 I just don’t want him to be mad.

 

Quiet my dear

Don’t wake your mother

I know you don’t want another.

 

Just a few more hours

I hate this disguise

Please let the sun rise.

 

No more tears it’s over

I didn’t want to, you see

But you were bad, you made me.

 

All I did was drop my juice

Like a child I no longer look

My virginity my father just took.

Drowning Sorrow

 

The sun breaks the pane

Its morning I have to awake

No energy to life me up

Always restless, feel as I may break.

 

Stumbling towards the bathroom

Looking in the mirror to see

Who is this person so frail?

She’s so thin and pale, can’t be me.

 

Bottles of glass and cans around

On the counter pills are strewn out

How did this mess happen?

It was you no doubt.

 

Looking to find you

But missing you remain

Did I do this all?

Now I start to remember the pain.

 

Months ago you walked out

Binge after binge, no relief

Why did you break my heart?

You stole my life, thief!

 

Loneliness overwhelmed me

Drunk I would look for any man’s touch

How could I waste away so quick?

No pill or drink was too much.

 

I can not stop the pain

How I deal with it is wrong

What will it take to end this?

Drugs and alcohol shouldn’t be too long.

Open, Shut, Gone

 

Closed behind this body

My feelings are guarded

Helpless I hide from the world

To be freed from pain is to be heard.

 

Soulfully I want to be found

Deep inside I need to be released

Under this fleshy shield I will come

To be hurt, I am so dumb.

 

In another’s arms I feel protected

To be held in their heart is safe

A look into their eyes will sell

Their love for me, I can tell.

 

Hold me until my pain is healed

Close your eyes this is heaven

I look only to see empty space

Alone I will be in each and every case.

Fist of Love

 

Some kind of drug you are

I crave you more and more

One hit isn’t enough

Anxious for the next score.

 

So high you make me feel

All of my pain erased for hours

It’s only a quick fix, but

I need your powers.

 

I know you’re bad for me

Hell is what I look like

Look like after you are done

Black, blue, and tired, I should call you Ike.

 

Under you spell and helpless

Worthless I feel eternally

Strike me again to make me feel

To feel your love internally.

 

Fight back I would never

Too afraid I would lose you

I am battered to be your lover

Deserving better, but better I can not do.

Maternal Admiration

 

Today I stopped to look up

Only to see your face

You are my everything, beauty and grace.

 

Day by day I need you

Somehow I always know

You’ll find me, especially when I’m low.

 

I doubted you, earlier on

It has take me more than a year

To finally know you will always be here.

 

I need you to know

Know how much I admire you

You can do anything, I swear it’s true.

 

I love you more everyday

Truly the greatest mother

I would not ask for any other.

Trapped

Watching the chalk scrap across
The board so black, so dreary
In this open room, I feel
More pressed down against my will
Than if I was to be a slave.

A place to learn no doubt
Education do I need it, yes
I need help; I’m not going to survive
The stress and worry is burying me alive
My mind is stronger, but I am getting weaker.

A classroom acts as my coffin
Sealing my fate in text and grades
Breathing is tough with this stack
Of books and papers pushing on my back
This weight is too heavy, I’m not that strong.

Trying to be successful
Wanting a good career
If I don’t like live to graduation day
It will all be worthless, Okay?
Stop pushing me to an early death.

I used to think I was strong willed
Until I reached college, it broke me down
I’ve never felt this way in my life
The pressure of school is cutting my heart with a knife
Home is safe, but I can’t reach it today.

So I guess I will find out
Find out if I live to succeed
Or die early from internal pains
Heaven forbid my body let me have personal gains
It is fighting against me, and its winning.

Beyond the Pain

 

Trees swaying, thunder cracks

Wide awake I lay

So suddenly I awoke, too strange

“Don’t be scared,” I hear a voice say.

 

This is all too familiar

I need something to hold, your hand

Suddenly my breath is icy

And like pinpricks my hairs stand.

 

Blinded by the darkness

Sweat drips down past my eyes

I’m not scared, but curious

Of what behind the voice lies.

 

A breeze strikes, and I am warm

As if I am in your arms

At ease I set my mind

No longer scared, I know his charms.

 

As the sun breaks the pane

I see your eyes staring in mine

Still in your uniform, so handsome

“Baby, I told you I’m fine.”

 

For a second I believe him

His face I reach to touch

No skin is felt on my fingers

“I miss you so much.”

 

He watches as my tears stream down

But glances towards my hand

“They gave it to me from the body bag.”

On the left I wear his band.

 

Even if he is a spirit

His pain I can still view

His wounds are still visible

“It was my duty, I had to.”

 

Living as a soldier’s wife, hard

I respected him fully

Even though the war took him

I am not bitter, truly.

Brushing my face slightly

This time the touch, I don’t lack

 He kisses me on the lips

“Just came to check up, I’ll be back.”

 

Disappearing into the dawn

He stops just by the door

Turning around so slowly

“Baby, I love you, forever and more.”

Liquid Mistake

 

Today I look out to rain

Knowing that today is no different

No one can stop my pain.

 

I hate that you know

That even if you left me

I could never let you go.

 

Fixing my breakfast, I stop to cry

Never backing down from a challenge

Why didn’t you call me, why?

 

Getting dressed, putting on my jewels

Filled with memories, I put on my ring

Do you remember this one, it broke all the rules.

 

To the car, dressed in my best black

You knew better, where was your head

Words haunt me, “Come on pick up the slack.”

 

The rain outside creates such a mess

It could have been different

Damn it baby, just one drink less.

 

Looking at the grave, so cold

How hard it is to sit here and watch

You just had to drive, why so bold.

 

Prom night, those girls had a life ahead

Now their parents will bury their children

And you still lay breathing in this bed.

 

Honestly it’s a miracle you are still alive

I love you but what you did was wrong

Please think before you drink and drive.

. All the Wrong Reasons

 

Sitting and watching the traffic go by

Almost as if I am floating above it all

So serene to watch it all from the sky

For once in my life I feel at peace with myself.

 

Everyone always in a hurry, never delayed

I feel time pass me by like I’m standing still

Looking down to the scars, what mistakes I’ve made

The world flies by me and all I can do is pray.

 

I miss the ones I loved the most, disappointment

Seeing their faces, now I feel selfish

Bruises and scars, they didn’t get the message I sent

I screamed from the inside, only never to be heard.

 

Lying in the bathtub, what a mess it would be

I have it all laid out, the note and all

“I love you, I’m sorry, and maybe now you’ll see”

Cries and screams will echo from this room.

 

Staring at the smiling pictures, I think again

Leaving this world is not the option

My life is only starting to begin

It’s my family’s love that keeps me alive.

Break free

 

 

I need to find myself

I’ve been lost in this darkness

For way too long

Almost blinded by the wrong paths

The light, I need to see it

Facing the fears of the past

I can not do it alone

Too long I’ve stood and watched

As my life passes me by

Passes me by because I was afraid

Afraid of what might happen

Embracing the new is half the fun

Life is too short to watch

Watch as your life is worried away

Building up strength to break free

Break free of the restraints that bind me

Everyday I get tougher and my skin gets thicker

Soon I will be able to withstand anything

Trying to build up the outside

So that the inside can never be injured

This is a false hope

As much as I try

My feelings will be crushed once or twice

It is inevitable that it will happen

If I let myself get unattached then just maybe

But that is no way to live your life

You must live everyday like it is your last

Not to say to love too much

But love as much as you can take

Mistakes are made and wounds heal

But regrets can not change

Apologies can not fix the guilt felt

All I can do is wait

Wait until I have found what I am

What I need to be

And the ONE who needs me.

 

Falling Apart

 

Sinking down to the very bottom

Feels like it’s so far away

I don’t even notice I’m here

Today is not my day.

 

Looking at myself at this rocky depth

I look like a mere shadow of me

You have chipped away my shield

Now my soul is bare for you to see.

 

How quickly this demise happened

To crawl out of this hole

It could take years of my pathetic life

To survive is now my goal.

 

Was it all false?

Was it all a dream?

Did you enjoy anytime we shared?

Are you as shallow as you seem?

 

All around me are broken memories

Trying to hold on to what is good

Was our love that tainted?

Who could love you…I would.

 

I only recognize my arms by my tattoos

The scars show how much I care

Why do I bleed for you?

Hurt me, how could you dare?

 

Slowly I’ll repair the damage

Pick up the pieces and move along

Until then I’ll mend the wounds

And keep singing myself this sad song.

Midnight Delivery

 

Laying in the wet grass after a summer rain

Looking up at the beautiful night sky

If the world were to end today

How happy I would die.

 

Surrounded by the sounds of nature

Hair glazed with the sweet dew

Only one thing could make this better

Is me wrapped up with you.

 

Just imagining what life could be like

If everyday was as wonderful as this

Soon you will know

That your touch I did miss.

 

I trace the stars with my fingers

I am led to the brightest star in the sky

It shines like the twinkle in your eyes

You could be my shinning star, no lie.

 

Man and nature are not so different

Both created to enhance our lives

So let our love be like a breeze

That carries us through the dips and dives.

 

Now I let the croaks and chirps sing me to sleep

There is nothing that I will fear

But that the winds of nature

Will not deliver my sweet message to your ear.

Humor for Healing

 

While you are off your feet

And have plenty of time on your hands

I might as well jog your memory

With some things from the swings to the sands.

 

Never were we bored

We always had much to do

Whether it was work in the shop

Or school with a bad you know who.

 

Mr. Potato head pieces on our faces

Ren & Stimpy the pair that farted

Endless pushing on the swing set

Building in the shop, hey I’m just getting started.

 

Walking like a crab at the beach

Jumping the big blue waves of the ocean

Riding rides at the pavilion

We must have caused quite a commotion.

 

You taught me how to do dives

You showed me Kramer hair

I tested out my comedic skills on you

Never were they funny, you didn’t care.

 

Monopoly and dress-up

“Crunches” and Lego blocks

Signing “Grandma go run over by a reindeer”

And dancing around the Christmas tree in our socks.

 

“Whoa poppa john” in the car

Playing baseball in the yards

Watching Little Lulu and the Grinch

And always playing cards.

 

I offer you humor

Prayers from the ones you saw

The cancer will be beat

Just know I love you Pa W. Paw.

I don’t belong

 

How can I have three homes?

And feel as I don’t belong

Living out of a duffle bag

It never felt so wrong.

 

My time is split

My nerves are shot

The car is getting its worth

All while I sleep on a cot.

 

In a few years from now

I will have a home a place to be

But until then it’s me and my duffel

My duffel and me!

Complications

 

 

Looking back on the events of the past

I often wonder how I am still sane

So many traumatic experiences, never mundane

My spirits always flew at half mast.

 

The physical pain I never did mind

My skin is thicker than my soul

Always looking tough on the outer hull

But somehow always depressed on the inside.

 

Too young to have so many fears

Most of them stemmed from a rocky course

The ohh so common parental divorce

I could have used a lifejacket; I was drowning in my tears.

 

I was in a state of loneliness, and feared the dark

I was left in both at one time or another

Most the time I was rescued by my father and mother

Soon I will be free of my fears, free as a lark.

 

The past can not be changed, nothing I can do

Everyday I learn from the past years

And everyday I get over some of my fears

Mom and Dad I don’t blame you, I love you!

Powerless

 

With a heart that has so many bandages

You would think I’ve just been walked all over

Inside I’m screaming out for you affection

Outside I hide under my thick cover.

 

When you looked at me, I was in heaven

I didn’t want to look into your eyes

Afraid you could see right through me

To my soul, and know I was telling you lies.

 

When you never called, I said it was fine

You never knew my pain; I almost took it to the knife

Whenever I thought I had you blocked out

You called and came back into my life.

 

Never could I give myself to you

I know now I would be thrown away

Like a piece of trash or an old t-shirt

My soul would be worn down and you wouldn’t stay.

 

Even though I cared deeply

I swore to never shed a tear

You never were worth crying over

But losing you was always my fear.

 

This has to happen for me to grow

Towards you I wish not a to be sour

I just want you to know I still care

And never will someone again have that much power.

Just one of his children

 

Have you ever soul searched?

Only to find it wasn’t there

Afterwards you’ve never felt so bare.

 

Then you start calling yourself an Atheist

You feel as if you soul has been washed away

By an influencing power of evil if you may.

 

No belief has been lost

It has been modified by people in your days

Changed by other’s views and their ways.

 

Some people call themselves God’s lambs

If so why do they break God’s will

Even when their paycheck is on his bill.

 

Most churchgoers are hypocrites

Never caring if someone was living happily

Always putting down your own offspring’s family.

 

I myself am not in this category

I do not claim to be a churchgoer

This way I fell my morals are higher not lower.

 

In the end it doesn’t matter where I go

All I know is I won’t be false in his eyes

Only being true to myself and presenting no lies.

 

Only in my dreams

 

Only in my dreams

Does he make himself known

To take my heart is his scheme

His love I would condone

 

Someone has asked me

How can you love him?

His face you can not see

Aren’t you going out on a limb?

 

I reply to her query

In my dreams he makes me happy

It’s true love deary

She complains that I’m sappy.

 

No cares but for the one

The one who can’t be beat

The face of someone’s son

The son who will sweep me off my feet.

 

Whether we meet on earth

Or up in the heavens above

He will be my rebirth

My one pure white dove.

 

Who will be the one you ask

His identity is still disclosed

I search for his face amongst a million masks

Until I find him the question is still posed.